all about love - bell hooks

 

Hey y'all! It's been a minute, but I'm glad to be back!

Today I want to offer my very humble opinion on bell hook's all about love. So let me just start by saying that, you know how there are those books that shake you to the core, that finally let you put your finger on something you've been feeling for a long time but haven't quite been able to articulate? There are many chapters in this book that do just that - even if there are many that didn't, at least for me. But those few life shattering chapters? Those make the entire book worth it.

Personally, one of the biggest take-aways for me was bell hook's examination of the relationship between parent and child, and her conclusion that what we were taught to think of as love is actually "cathexis," or the process whereby we're invested in a loved one. She rightly points out that the way many of us were raised as children - with parents who used corporal punishment and claimed that "this hurt them worse than it hurt us" - it confused us. It led us to the conclusion that people who loved us were allowed to hurt us. And it's one of the reasons that women tend to stay in abusive relationships - we've been taught to think that abuse is a form of love. 

I know that I've been grappling with my own family dynamics lately, and have come to the same conclusion that bell hooks made - that we confuse these hurtful behaviors with love, and that can cause us to excuse away behaviors that are just not ok with people. This was actually one of the first things my partner had to model for me - that love is a set of actions (which bell hooks also concludes), and that we don't hurt people we love. (Radical, I know!).

 Basically, her first two chapters, "Clarity" and "Justice" really hit home for me. I would also suggest spending some extra time on "Mutuality," "Romance," "Loss," and "Healing." I took lessons away from each - and I found "Loss" particularly thought-provoking, as I've been grappling with my own morality lately as I stare down the big 3-0. I think what I most appreciated about hooks' writing is that she's able to take time-honored advice and approaches to understanding complex topics and remove the bullshit. She's able to call out the patriarchy and how it hurts women (and men!) in one paragraph and in the next she's discussing the Biblical story of Jacob. It's a really different approach - one that I personally wasn't always comfortable with - but one that left me still thinking about the book a week later (even as I've read two new ones in the meantime!)

I highly recommend this book. I purchased it to reflect on love and its role in society over the holidays - particularly as I see it interconnected with the work I do in the nonprofit field - and to see what insight and wisdom this great thinker could impart. I did, in fact, find a lot of wisdom. And bell hooks has found a permanent place on my bookshelf.